Pubilished on Edge Life, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Relationships are a magnifying mirror that shows where the individuals involved are standing in their personal growth. What goes on in relationships with others is nothing more than a projection of what is going on at the individual level deep within: whatever inside relationship each party has with him or herself is what will be projected outside in the relationships with others. If someone treats herself with respect and dignity, she will treat others with the same respect and dignity and will not take any less from them.
The more hectic a relationship is, the more equally hectic most of the parties involved are in their own self-struggles. Beyond the notion of right and the wrong, beyond all forms of human judgments, the hidden reality shows. For instance, let's consider an abusive relationship. The abuser is supposedly the "bad guy," but it takes someone willing to be abused to play the part of the "victim." Deeper in their hearts, they each believe they are "the victim." Both the abuser and the abused are two faces of the same coin; otherwise, they will not stick together.
It takes one of the parties to change from within to no longer fit in the equation, and thus comes the split and both parties will be looking for new matches. The new relationships will not be any different unless the antagonists make some deep changes within themselves.
Healing relationships does not happen unless some kind of healing happens at the individual level, for the individuals create relationships -- not the other way around. Whatever one brings to a relationship, one takes with them when they leave. Relationships magnify whatever is at the individual level. For example, if it is hard for somone to show compassion for herself, in relationships the individual with such challenge will not be compassionate to others, but mostly critical of them.
When someone does not like the outcome of her relationships, she must become vigilant with herself and try to become aware of her part of creating those outcomes that she doesn't like. With the awareness of one's flaws comes the empowering opportunity to make changes at the individual level first.
Once this starts to happen, the aware individual will find it much easier to end relationships that no longer work for her or she will find her relationship healing, thus becoming stronger and more fulfilling. This happens because the other parties involved become inspired. They also take the high road of addressing their part of the non-desired outcomes, thus no longer suffering nor creating what is not wanted. Most of us humans want to be good and want to be happy.
The bottom line is: If you want to change your relationships, you must be willing to change within yourself what creates the outcomes you don't like, before jumping into blaming your sufferings on others or trying to fix others or make them into what you would like them to be. Such a behavior is a waste of your time -- and greater waste of spirit. Relationships are blessings, no matter how easy and happy, or difficult and miserable. Because of their magnifying nature, they make everything 10 times bigger so it gets so uncomfortable and forces us humans to make the necessary changes for our growth.
On the other hand, relationships are magical and bring about powerful miracles when they are filled with love. Just enter a room filled with a group of people who are willing to open their hearts to universal love and who are gathered to share a meditation session. Pay close attention to how you feel before and after such a session. Relationships can go beyond earthly human conditions and can transcend all dimensions. It only takes willing humans to explore the magnificent possibilities that relationships provide.
Published online Edge Life on February 2005. Copyright © 2005 Najat Fares Kessler. All rights reserved
